Legolas, Figwit, and the Liquor Cabinet of DOOM!
by Newmoon
Summary: COMPLETE! Find out how our heros end up in the EPILOGUE! This is the sequal to Legolas vs. Figwit: The Ultimate Battle and The Elfie Boys and Their BIG Egos.
1. In which the stage is set

A/N This fic is the long-awaited sequel to "Legolas vs. Figwit: The Ultimate Battle" and "The Elfie-Boys and Their BIG Egos". If you have not read those fics, I highly recommend that you do so before taking this one on, so that you can understand WHAT THE HECK is going on in this one. For those of you who HAVE read those, hi! Great to see you back!! 

Please do not expect frequent updates. I do not have that much time to write, and it has taken me several months just to get started on this one. I also have several other unfinished fics that I'm working on at the same time as this one, so I really have my work cut out for me!

I'd like to thank Sprite who is once again my beta for this fic.

Disclaimer: I do not own anything affiliated with Tolkien in any way.

I also don't own Sprite, Sake, Aldawen, or Seamoose. They are actual people who reviewed so enthusiastically to my previous fics that I stuck them into the story and made them do dumb things. I DO, however, own Leroy and Caligula.

See? The gang's all here!!

* * *

**Legolas, Figwit, and the Liquor Cabinet of DOOM**

**Chapter One: In which the stage is set  
**

* * *

In a room in Rivendell three Elves and a young woman stood around a desk, chatting amiably. One of the Elves, the one with long brown hair, had his arm around the young woman's waist. His name was Figwit, and hers was Sprite. The two Elves they were talking to were none other than Elladan and Elrohir, the twin-born sons of Elrond. They were laughing about something that sat on the desk, rocking slightly.

"I swear, it's so much more quiet around here!" Elladan exclaimed, looking around. "I never knew how much noise Dad always made until he wasn't making it any more!"

"Yeah, instead he's making different kinds of noises." Sprite said, looking down at the object on the desk. It was a box; the kind action figures come in. The pictures on the side loudly proclaimed that the box contained a Legolas action figure, but it was not so. Inside the box was Elrond Half-elven, Lord of Imladris. He was currently six inches tall, and bloody furious.

"YOU LET ME OUT OF HERE RIGHT NOW!!" Lord Elrond shouted, due to his size sounding very much as though he'd swallowed a bottle of helium.

"Why?" asked Elrohir.

"BECAUSE I AM YOU BLOODY FATHER, YOUNG ELFLING!!!" Elrond shrieked. "WHEN I GET OUT OF HERE, YOU ARE IN FOR THE LONGEST GROUNDING YOU EVER HAD!!! YOU WON'T BE LET OUT OF YOUR ROOM UNTIL THE END OF THE FOURTH AGE!!! AHHHHHHH!!!!!"

Elrond beat on the inside of the box with his pea-sized fists, screaming hysterically. His sons, along with Figwit and Sprite, watched this display of rage with varying degrees of amusement. Elrond could be quite intimidating when he was angry, but not when he was six inches tall. Then it was just plain funny.

The Elf Lord suddenly slumped down onto the bottom of the box. He had fainted.

One may wonder: What terrible thing has Elrond done to deserve being shrunk and stuck in a little box like a common action figure?? The truth was that in the past few days, Elrond had made about as many mistakes as Fëanor, only on a slightly smaller scale. Tired of Legolas and Figwit's egos, he had given a potion to Sprite, Aldawen, and Sake (the latter two being Legolas's fangirls) to make them turn against their lust objects and fall for Glorfindel and the Twins.

The potion had worked wonders on Aldawen and Sake, but not so on Sprite. She and Figwit discovered Elrond's plan, and, after a series of unfortunate events, everything got sorted out in time for Dr. Took, Medicine Hobbit.

But they had decided that Elrond must be punished for his naughty deeds, so the Elf Lord was forced to endure several hours of horrendous Disney cartoons. Then, with the help of a book entitled "Learning Magic With Harry Potter!", they shrunk him down to six inches.

Elrohir picked up the box and tossed it from hand to hand. "Well, anyway, we need to find a new hiding place for this. Arwen is still livid, and she keeps tearing my room apart looking for him."

"What about your bathroom?" Figwit suggested innocently. "I doubt she ever goes in there. Couldn't stand the smell." Elrohir threw the nearest object at Figwit, which happened to be the box containing his father. Fortunately, Sprite caught the box in mid-air, and set it back on the desk.

"You have to be careful with this." She scolded, "He's still you father, no matter what stupid things he's done."

"Yeah, whatever." Elladan said vaguely. "C'mon, 'Rohir, let's go find Glorfindel. Maybe HE'LL know a good hiding place." Elrohir nodded, picked up the box containing Elrond, then he and his twin left the room.

Later, Sprite and Figwit sat in Figwit's room going through the contents of Figwit's new liquor cabinet. It had come a few days before as a gift from Sprite, and the Twins had enthusiastically made donations to fill it up. Now Figwit was going through the contents and making sure that everything they had given him was legal.

"What's this?" Sprite asked, picking up a bottle of a plum-coloured liquid. "'Old Wineyards Finest'," she said, reading off the label, and then looked back up at Figwit. "Keeper?"

"Yeah," the Elf said, looking at a bottle of dark brown ale. "'Moria Black Ale'? I hate this stuff!"

"Keep it, maybe I'll like it," Sprite suggested. Figwit shrugged, and shoved the bottle into a corner of the cabinet out of sight, behind several bottles of Fine Elvish Wine.

A few minutes later there was a knock at the door.

"Come in!" Figwit called distractedly, trying to figure out whether the liquid in the bottle he was holding contained acid or just plain hard cider.

The door burst open and in ran a young man, with blonde hair and a terrified expression on his face.

"FIGWIT, SAVE ME!!!" he screamed.

"Seamoose?" Figwit asked, looking up. "What-?"

"SAKE WANTS TO KILL MEEEEEEE!!" Seamoose screamed, diving behind Figwit.

"I'm sure it's not that bad..." Sprite said.

Sprite said this because she was used to Seamoose, who tended to blow things out of proportion. He was your typical fanboy, and worshipped Figwit like a god. If it weren't for Seamoose, Elrond would still be his normal height, and Legolas and Figwit would not have escaped the clutches of the Elfie-ninjas and their hair-styling skills.

Just then, Sake the Legolas fangirl appeared at the door, followed by Aldawen, who appeared to be laughing very hard.

"Have any of you seen Seamoose?" Sake asked, a furious look upon her face. "I want to kill him."

"Oh," said Sprite.

"Seamoose?" Figwit said innocently. "Nope, haven't seen him anywhere."

"That's right, they haven't!" came Seamoose's muffled voice from behind Figwit. Figwit rolled his eyes and muttered, "Git."

"They haven't seen me ANYWHERE!" Seamoose added, perhaps to emphasize the fact. "So you might as well run along and look for me elsewhere!"

"It's not working." Sprite told the fanboy, as Sake advanced towards him, hands already raised at neck level.

"Dagnabbit!" Seamoose said. He took one look at Sake's face and squeaked pathetically.

"Sake, what did he do?" Figwit asked, amazed to see the fangirl in such a rage.

"Not saying nothing 'till he do be dead!" growled Sake. As one, Figwit and Sprite turned to Aldawen, who was still laughing hysterically.

"Aldawen?" Sprite asked.

"S... Sea... moose," Aldawen gasped out between laughs. "He... called... S... Sake an... Elrond fangirl!" Sake roared, looking and sounding very much like Galadriel when Frodo offered her the One Ring. Seamoose squeaked again and collapsed in a twitching heap.

"I HATE ELROND!!!!!!" Sake shouted. "I WANT HIM DEAD!!!!! HE IS THE STUPIDEST GIT TO GRACE THIS LAND!!!! I HATE HIM WITH A PASSION!!!!!!!!" If the font could have gotten any bigger, Sake would have made good use of it.

"Itwasjustajoke!" Seamoose pleaded.

Sake stopped, her hands dropping to her sides. "Oh," she said, her voice normal. "Ok. As long as you didn't mean it." She turned and left the room. Seamoose, meanwhile, wisely made use of his time by fainting.

"That was... interesting..." Sprite said, and Figwit poured Seamoose a glass of brandy.


	2. In which Seamoose isn't beaten to a pulp

**Chapter Two: In which Seamoose is NOT beaten to a bloody pulp**

* * *

And so The Author lit her candles, her incense, squeezed her Rubber Ducky of Inspiration, and prayed on high to Ilúvatar. For The Author was possessed by a demon, a great and terrible demon, and its fearéd name was Writer's Block.

"O Mighty Ilúvatar!" cried The Author. "Banish this demon that doth inhibit my writing abilities, for I am obliged to continue a story! Make it so!"

And yea, Ilúvatar took pity on The Author, and he spake: "Write thee thy fan fic. The demon that is Writer's Block shall plague thee no more."

And so The Author wrote her fan fic. And it was very good.

* * *

A tall blonde elf walked down a certain corridor in Rivendell, and stopped outside Figwit's room. Legolas (for this was his name) knocked and entered. Within the room he found Seamoose sitting between Sprite and Figwit with a glass of golden liquid in his hand. Sprite looked amused, Figwit look torn between amusement and exasperation, and Seamoose still looked positively terrified.

"Oh, hello Legolas." Figwit said, glancing up as his friend entered. "What brings you here?"

"Apparently Sake has decided that she's still not mollified for Seamoose calling her an Elrond Fangirl," Legolas replied, grinning. "I've been sent to beat him to a bloody pulp." Seamoose squeaked and tried to dive behind Figwit's bed, not allowing for the fact that there was about an inch of space between the bed and the wall. His head hit the wall with a sickening thud, the glass spilling and hitting the bed, and Sprite hauled the fanboy back towards herself and Figwit. Seamoose sat morosely between the fangirl and the Elf, now rubbing a bump on his head.

"Hey," Legolas said, holding up his hands. "Her words, not mine. I have no intention whatsoever of beating you to any sort of pulp, however bloody."

"That's a relief," muttered Seamoose.

"Anyways, can I hang out here for a bit?" Legolas asked.

"Sure. Why?" said Sprite, managing to pack a comment and a question into two syllables.

"Because Sake is smart enough to know that beating someone to a bloody pulp doesn't take three seconds. And," Legolas added. "Arwen's in a rage again. She's currently ransacking the Twins' bathroom looking for Elrond."

Sprite and Figwit grinned at each other. "Hope they found a good place to hide him!" Figwit replied.

"I think they stuck him at the bottom of their laundry hamper," said Legolas, poking through Figwit's liquor cabinet.

"That was smart," Sprite said. "I don't think its been emptied in an age and a half." Figwit snorted.

Seamoose suddenly launched himself off the bed and onto the floor at Legolas's feet. "O great and glorious Elf!" he cried. "Forgive me of my sins!! Torment me not! If you are to kill me, do it quickly!" He sat back on his heels and bared his chest.

Legolas looked from Seamoose to Figwit. "Didn't he listen to a word I said?" the Elf prince asked.

"I doubt it," Figwit replied conversationally. Sprite went over to Seamoose and pulled him back on his feet, then she led him back over to the bed and whispered to him soothingly.

* * *

In another part of Rivendell, at the bottom of a smelly laundry hamper, the Lord of Imladris sat brooding. He had long since given up any hope of being rescued, so now he had to bide his time in this infernal box, being slowly suffocated by the stench and weight of the dirty laundry, pressing down on the fragile shell...

Actually, Elrond wasn't suffocating at all, but our Elf Lord had a flare for the dramatic.

Elrond was still, of course, furious with his sons for shrinking him. He amused himself by cursing their name and all their kin for a while until he realized that it was himself he was cursing; and that couldn't make his situation much better.

Through the laundry, Elrond heard the muffled sounds of his daughter shouting at Elladan and Elrohir and throwing things around, and this gave him some cheer. Perhaps she would come and look in here, and he would be saved!! But this boded as highly unlikely, and indeed, after a mere two hours, Elrond heard her storm out, and the reluctant sounds of the Twins tidying up their room reached his ears.

A little while later, lo and behold, the Twin's dirty rags were lifted off Elrond's box and light streamed into his smelly prison. A hand (which happened to be attached to Elladan) reached down and drew the action-figure box out of the laundry hamper. Elrond saw his son's face peering at him through the plastic.

"We've got to find a better place to hide you," Elladan said.

"I have an idea," said Elrond sarcastically and without much hope. "How about you just hand me over to your sister so that she stops destroying your room?"

"And ruin all our fun?" Elrohir gasped, his face appearing over Elladan's shoulder. "I think not!"

Elrond sighed. He hadn't thought it would work...

"At least do a load of laundry," Elrond said disgustedly. "Those things stink worse than Gollum's running shoes."

"That's the plan," Elrohir said. He hung his head. "Arwen scolded us for being slobs. She said our room looked like a college dorm."

"We don't really know what that means," Elladan piped up, "I think she got the phrase from Sprite..."

Elrond was briefly surprised at the amount of control Arwen wielded over the Twins. She had actually gotten them to clean their room...

* * *

Two fangirls lounged in a room somewhere in Rivendell. They were Sake and Aldawen, two of Legolas's fangirls.

Sake sighed and glanced at her watch. "I wonder if Legolas is done beating Seamoose to a bloody pulp yet?" She wondered aloud.

"You were actually serious when you told him to do that?" Aldawen asked. "I thought you were joking!"

"Of course I was serious; Seamoose friggin' called me an ELROND fangirl!" Sake spat the name. "He must die!"

"Oh Sake, lay off," Aldawen said, yawning. "You and Sprite called me an Elrond fangirl and I didn't vow to kill you. Besides, Seamoose apologized. It was a joke."

Sake was about to reply, but at that moment, Legolas walked in.

"Didja do it?" asked Sake eagerly, jumping up from where she was sitting. "Didja kill him??"

"No," said Legolas calmly.

"WHAT?!?!" Sake shouted. Aldawen burst out laughing. "WHY NOT???" Sake asked.

"I wasn't in the mood," replied Legolas. "Besides, I was too busy checking out the contents of Figwit's new liquor cabinet." Sake growled.

"Why do I even bother?" she groaned.

"I don't know," Legolas said, flopping down on the couch next to Aldawen. "Seeing as it's futile." Aldawen giggled, and Sake glared at them both for a moment. Then her face cleared and, grinning, she sat down on Legolas's other side.

"Oh well," she said. "It's ok, Leggy-looloo. I forgive you for not killing Seamoose."

"Change of heart?" Legolas asked, grinning.

"Not really," Sake replied. "I just realized that with him still alive, I can have fun making his life miserable!"


	3. In which Elrond is in a new hiding place

A/N I'm sorry it takes me so long to update... to top it all off, I've started school (HIGH school... It's so big!), so I have even less time to write! 

Disclaimer: I don't own LOTR, or any of the Canon characters. Sprite, Seamoose, Aldawen, and Sake own themselves. I do own Leroy and Caligula, who may not show up in this chapter, but who will definitely be making an appearance at some point.

I'd like to thank Sprite for writing the first bit of this chapter between her and Figwit up until the Twins come in. It saved me the job of writing it myself. :P

* * *

**Chapter Three: In which Elrond finds himself in a new hiding place  
**  
**

* * *

**Elladan and Elrohir were deep in conversation. The fact was, now that they had a spotlessly clean room and an empty laundry hamper, they had nowhere to hide their father where they could be sure that Arwen would not find him. And, if she found him, all their fun would end. And then they'd have to waste valuable time trying to think up a new way to get on Arwen and Elrond's nerves. 

So you can see the fix they were in.

The Twins sat side by side on Elladan's bed. Elrohir held the box that contained Elrond, and both Twins were looking hard at the box. Elrond had his arms crossed and his back turned to them, but because of the angle at which Elrohir held the box, this meant that he was lying flat on his face. It didn't look very comfortable...

"We need somewhere that Arwen would never look," Elladan mused. "Somewhere that she'd least expect."

Elrohir thought about this. "Aren't the places that are least expected the place where she'd look first because she expects us to hide him where she least expects it?" he asked. His brother blinked.

"So you're saying we should put him in a really obvious place?" Elladan asked. "Like... her window sill?" It was still early in the morning and the Twins were tired after a long night of cleaning. You must excuse them for acting rather thick.

Elrond spun around. Or rather, he tried to spin around. This proved rather hard due to the fact that his position can best be described as "horizontal". It looked more like he was flopping over...

Anyways, Lord Elrond flopped over so that he was lying on his back. "DO NOT PUT ME IN HER ROOM!" he screamed, his face etched with terror.

"Why not?" asked Elrohir, puzzled. "I thought you wanted to be found."

"Yes," Elrond said. "But that room reeks of perfume! I'd suffocate!"

The Twins, who had not set foot in Arwen's room in over a century for exactly this reason, realized that their father spoke the truth. They wanted to destroy his ego, not kill him through a slow and painful way. Though some Elf Lords may view it as exactly the same thing, but oh well. The point is that this ruled out Arwen's room as a possible hiding place.

"What about Glorfindel's room?" Elrohir suddenly suggested. "I'm sure he'd be glad to help us! He could regale Father with war stories and stuff."

"Oh, yes," said Elrond sarcastically. "I want to sit up all night listening to Jolly Old Glorfindel telling me how he 'bravely defeated the Balrog' or 'valiantly fought in some battle' in which I also figure prominently! I don't need to hear those stories; I mean-"

"Nah, not Glorfindel," Elladan said, cutting his father off. "It's a great suggestion, but he's always got his buddies coming and going. Something would be bound to slip out, and then Arwen would be on our tails. Again."

"I see your point," Elrohir said, nodding. Elrond had settled himself in a corner of the box, legs crossed in the lotus position, his eyes closed. Elrohir flicked the box just beside where his father was sitting, sending the miniature Elf Lord sprawling.

"Excuse me!" Elrond said, trying to stand up and succeeding in banging his head against the front of the box, which currently served at the top. Elrohir was still holding it horizontally. "I was trying to meditate!"

The twins looked at their irate father, and then at each other. In an unspoken agreement, they decided it was probably something Elrond picked up from one of the fangirls/boy that currently inhabited Imladris. Best leave it at that.

"What about..." Elrohir tried again. "What about somewhere in Figwit's room? I know for a fact Arwen never goes in there. She's too afraid of walking in on Figwit and Sprite doing something naughty." Elladan sniggered, but quickly gained control of himself.

"I'm not sure if that would work, either," he said. "You remember; Figwit was against us shrinking Dad at first. I hate to say it, but he'd probably tell Arwen."

"Then we won't tell him that we've hidden Dad in his room," answered Elrohir, shrugging. "Face it, 'Dan: We've got to hide him somewhere. Let's just do this and be done with it."

Elladan nodded. "Ok," he said, and with that, the Twins left the room.

A few minutes later, they found themselves outside Figwit's room. Figwit and Sprite had been planning to go on an outing, but the Twins weren't sure if they'd left yet.

"Knock first," Elladan whispered. "Just to make sure no one's there." Elrohir did so.

* * *

"You know," Figwit said, "it's too bad that you've stopped fainting all the time." He and Sprite were snuggling on Figwit's futon couch. 

"Oh, it is, is it?" Sprite replied, taking no offence due to the cheerfulness in his voice. "At least you can get a decent conversation now."

"That's true enough. But anyways, as I was saying," Figwit continued on even as he pulled her closer to him, "it's too bad you're not fainting anymore; I now know what to do if it happens again."

"And what's that?"

"Well first, I would loosen your blouse, or if you were wearing a corset, I would take it off..." he said, his eyes roaming over the fangirl who was now on his lap, then returned to meet her eyes. "And if that didn't help, then I'd perform mouth to mouth resuscitation."

"Mmmhmm... And you would do that..."

"Like this."

When the Twins poked their heads in a few minutes later, having received no answer to their knock, they found Figwit and Sprite in the midst of a kiss so passionate, so indescribably intimate, that mere words fail to describe it.

_(Sprite's 15 minutes of fame as a writer end here.)_

"Um... Are we interrupting something?" Elladan asked, knocking on the doorframe. Figwit and Sprite jerked apart. Well, Sprite tried to get up but was rather unsuccessful due to Figwit's hold on her. It resulted in a sort of jerky movement. Looking up, Sprite wondered briefly what Elrohir was hiding behind his back, but she thought it best not to ask.

"Yes you were," said Figwit primly, and then, a bit nastier: "And there IS such thing as knocking, you know."

"We did," Elrohir informed him. "But you two were too... busy... to notice." Elladan had a sudden coughing fit. Figwit rolled his eyes.

"So what are you guys up to?" asked Sprite from her place on Figwit's lap.

"Not much," Elladan responded, glancing at Elrohir. "We were just... um..."

"We were going to change the locks on the wine cellars. Arwen confiscated OUR key." Elrohir said, poker-faced. "We thought we'd just stop by and say hi." A muffled squeak came from behind him, and he seemed to shake whatever it was he had behind his back, but there are some things one learns not to notice.

"I understand," Sprite said solemnly. "Just be sure to give us a copy of the new key!"

"Why? You guys have your own liquor cabinet!" Elladan exclaimed. Sprite shrugged.

"Anyway, that reminds me," Figwit said. "Sprite and I should get going on our... 'outing'."

"Of course." She replied, a grin on her face.

Once Sprite and Figwit were safely on their way, having managed to successfully get up, collect their stuff, and get out the door without further incident, unless, of course, you count Elrohir's comment about the red marks on Sprite's neck, in which case it was more of a minor affair. A bit of a delay really Crowd of bored readers yell "GET ON WITH IT" Oh yes, anyways, on to scene 24 which is a smashing scene in which the Twins dart back into Figwit's room and proceed to look around for a suitable place to hide their... sounds come from the Monty Python narrator getting killed.

"So..." Elladan said. "Where are we gonna hide him?"

"Um," replied Elrohir, champion verbalist. He honestly had not thought about that bit. Elladan rolled his eyes.

"How about in the liquor cabinet?" he asked.

"Are you kidding?" Elrohir said. "He goes in there all the time! He'd be bound to find Dad!"

"I like the sound of that..." muttered Lord Elrond from his box. But no one heard him. Or if they did, they ignored him. Oh, the woes of a six-inch tall Elf Lord!

Elladan opened the doors of the liquor cabinet and poked around inside. All the bottles looked well used and cared for, and it didn't seem likely that Figwit wouldn't notice anything hidden behind them.

Then, in a far corner of the bottom shelf, he noticed a bottle covered in dust and cobwebs (a bit of a strange phenomenon, since Figwit had only had the liquor cabinet for about a week). Elladan carefully wiped away some of the dust, and saw that it was a bottle of Moria Black Ale.

"What's Figwit doing with this?" Elladan wondered. "I thought he hated the stuff!"

"Sprite probably made him keep it." Elrohir said, peering over his twin's shoulder. "Throw it out; it'd be doing him a favour."

"Wait..." Elladan had a sudden inspiration. "Doesn't it seem a shame to waste a whole bottle of ale like that?" he asked his brother slyly.

"You mean... We should keep it?" asked Elrohir dumbly. Well, he is the younger twin, after all. You must forgive him.

Elladan rolled his eyes. "No stupid, we keep it in the liquor cabinet and hide Dad behind it," he said. "Figwit has obviously forgotten about the bottle, so the chances of him finding Dad hidden there are very small."

"Oh..." Elrohir said, once more displaying his expert verbal skills.

So, to make a long story short, the Twins shoved Elrond's box behind the bottle of Moria Black Ale and then fled the room. When they returned to their own room, they found that Arwen had ransacked it again whilst searching for her father, so it was back to its normal, messy state. In short, everyone was happy.

Except for a certain Elf Lord...


	4. In which we encounter an Elrond fangirl

A/N Word to the wise: Do not expect any more chapters out this quick. Reasons why are stated in Chapter 3. mutters Who needs school? 

Sake sent a review saying that there was too much of Figwit and Sprite. And you know? She's right. I so do not give Aldawen and Sake enough time in the spotlight. bows I hope you girls find this chapter suitable!

I'd also like to thank Pineapple Princess for being a willing (albeit temporary) fictim for this chapter. And about the review you sent... Yes, it was confusing. But you didn't need to worry; I knew who I was emailing. :)

Disclaimer: I'm sick doing this every chapter. I'm not gonna do it anymore.

* * *

**Chapter Four: In which we encounter an Elrond fangirl  
**

* * *

Sprite and Figwit returned from their outing late that afternoon. They found the Twins, Glorfindel, Legolas, Sake, Aldawen, and Seamoose sitting together on a terrace, chatting in the afternoon sunlight. Figwit noticed that Sake and Seamoose were sitting on opposite sides of the terrace, and pointedly not speaking to each other. If they absolutely had to communicate, it was something like "Would someone please ask Seamoose to pass me that plate of cookies?" When this was done, Seamoose might say something along the lines of, "You may tell Sake that she can have as many cookies as she wants, and that I said I was sorry!"

"Still mad about the whole Elrond fangirl fiasco?" Figwit asked, sitting down next to Sake. Sprite plopped down next to him while Sake turned to glare at the dark haired elf.

"That and the fact that we weren't mention AT ALL in the last chapter!" growled Aldawen.

"How was your outing, you two?" asked Glorfindel, winking suggestively.

"Oh, it was great!" gushed Sprite. "We hiked along those ridges" - She swung her arm around to indicate the hills surrounding Rivendell - "Then we had a picnic lunch near the Fords of Bruinen, and then we made our way back here."

There was a pause. "Anything... interesting happen?" Elrohir asked. Elladan had another coughing fit, and after a moment of trying to remain poker-faced, Glorfindel joined him.

"Well... We saw a fox!" Sprite said, in a cheerful tone of voice which indicated that she knew perfectly well what Elrohir was talking about, but was not about to give him what he wanted.

"And don't forget the eagle we saw near the Fords!" added Figwit in the same tone of voice. Elrohir and Glorfindel looked disappointed. Elladan, however, was not going to let go without a fight.

"What?" he said. "No exciting romance in the bushes? No activities that would bring the rating of this fic up several notches?"

Figwit and Sprite looked at each other. "Um... Nope," Figwit said. "I can't say that there was." Elladan was crestfallen. Sprite caught Aldawen's eye and winked at her. Aldawen giggled.

* * *

The Lord of Imladris was in a VERY bad mood. Over the past several days, he had been in several hiding places, but none had been as bad as this one. The fumes from all the alcohol was making him feel light-headed and slightly buzzed, and having all this wine so close but entirely beyond his reach was pure torment.

Not to mention the fact that an escape route was right in front of him, just beyond the box. There was a hole in the wall of the liquor cabinet, a hole that was perfectly aligned with a hole in the wall of Figwit's room. This could not be a simple coincidence.

Lord Elrond did not much enjoy the company of rodents (such as mice and rats- you know, the sort that often inhabit old houses) but he put up with them because of an unspoken agreement between himself and Rivendell's rodent population: They'd leave immediately if he ever asked them to, provided that he never asked them to leave.

However, unbeknownst to the inhabitants of Rivendell, the rats of Rivendell had formed a complex civilization, probably aided by the fact that after living so near Elves for so long, some of the Elven intelligence had rubbed off on them.

The rat population, though, was currently in a state of anarchy. Their king had died, and had left behind no heir. (Actually, the venerable King Ratticus was quite popular among the ladies and left behind plenty of heirs. They just didn't know which was the real one.) So Ratticus's team of private police, the Brotherhood of Extremely Elite Rats (or BEER) was sent out to search throughout the walls of Rivendell for a suitable replacement for their much-loved king.

Elrond started in surprise. A pointed, furry nose had poked itself through the hole in the liquor cabinet. Elrond stiffened. Rats were all well and good when they were briefly glimpsed running across the dungeon floor or as little scrabbly noises in the wall. That's also when you're six feet tall. When you're six inches tall, rats can be slightly intimidating. Elrond was almost glad that there was a wall of plastic between him and this snuffling rodent, however flimsy.

The rat crept into the cabinet and then turned around, beckoned, and was followed by five other rats. Elrond blinked. All the rats were sleek and black, and they all wore shiny leather belts with toothpick-sized swords. The first one (obviously the oldest and the leader) had a torn ear and a patch over his left eye. All of the rats had a menacing, don't-mess-with-this-rodent glint in their eyes.

Elrond calmly evaluated his situation. The verdict he reached: I'm screwed.

You see, when you are six inches tall and faced by half a dozen armed and possibly rabid rodents, and all that separates you from said rodents is a flimsy sheet of plastic, the immediate future looks like it's going to fail to contain anything like sunshine and butterflies.

Then a speck of dust landed on Lord Elrond's nose. He sneezed.

The six rats immediately turned and looked straight at him.

'Oh shit,' was the thought that passed through Elrond's brain.

* * *

Sake, though not sadistic, found it quite easy to be bloodthirsty. If she was awoken too early in the morning by the cheerful singing of happy little bluebirds, she could easily wring their happy little necks. If anyone called her an Elrond fangirl within her hearing, she would not flinch at brutally murdering them. If she was deprived of chocolate for too long she would have happily committed genocide in order to get some.

But fortunately, at this moment in time Sake was quite cheerful, and happened to be humming a little Elvish ditty about bluebirds. Let's hope she stays this way for the time being!

"Why so cheerful?" asked Aldawen, falling in step beside her friend as Sake strolled down a Rivendell corridor. "Finally kiss and make up with Seamoose?" Oh Aldawen, don't push your luck...

"Mwee, no reason," Sake said, shrugging. "Elrond's gone, Seamoose is off somewhere else, and I'm feelin' fine!" After a moment she added, "I'd as soon kiss Seamoose as Elrond. Or... Well actually, I'd rather kiss Seamoose than Elrond, because Elrond's a git, but that doesn't mean I WANT to kiss Seamoose, because... Bloody hell, I'm confused!" Aldawen patted Sake's arm sympathetically.

"You really should forgive Seamoose," Aldawen said after a moment, somewhat warily (with good reason). "I mean, he didn't really do that much. It was just a joke."

"An ill-placed one," muttered Sake. But then she brightened. "Maybe you're right!" she exclaimed. "Seamoose and I are fans of two Really Cool Elves; we shouldn't be adversaries! Come on!" Sake grabbed Aldawen's hand and ran down the hall.

Suddenly Aldawen jerked to a stop. "What's that sound?" she asked. "Is someone... crying?" Sake stopped, and realized that she heard the sound as well. Muffled sobs were coming from an alcove off the hallway. The girls entered the alcove and found a girl sitting there on a bench. Her knees were pulled up to her chest with her arms wrapped around them, and her head was bowed in grief. She was a fangirl, by the looks of it.

"Hey," Sake said gently, approaching the girl. "What's wrong?"

The girl looked up at her with bloodshot eyes. Sake sat down next to her on the bench and put a comforting arm around the girl's shoulders. The girl burst into a fresh wave of tears and mumbled something.

"What was that?" Aldawen asked. When the girl didn't answer, she tried a different approach. "What's your name?"

"Pineapple Princess," came the muffled reply. Yup, definitely a fangirl.

"Why are you crying, Pineapple?" Aldawen asked, sitting down on the girl's other side. She had shortened the name for her own sake, and she wasn't going to call a potential Lego-luster 'Princess'.

"He's... He's just disappeared!" Pineapple suddenly burst out. "I must have searched every inch of Rivendell, but he's just not here! How could he disappear like that?"

"Who?" asked Sake, with a sense of foreboding.

"Elrond..." whimpered Pineapple. She leaned her head against Sake's shoulder and sobbed, and she was revealed to be wearing a shirt that said, "Elrond rox my sox!" Sake stiffened. She shot a look at Aldawen over the top of Pineapple's head. Aldawen look slightly amused.

"Aldawen!" Sake hissed at the other girl. Hopefully Pineapple would not hear Sake over her wails. "This kid's a friggin' Elrond fangirl! What am I gonna do??"

Aldawen smirked. "Well," she said, "usually when I'm around someone who's upset, I try to comfort them."

Sake glowered. "But... Elrond fangirl!" she hissed. Pineapple's head popped up.

"Elrond fangirl?" she gasped. "Where? Lemme atter! Elrond's MINE!" She paused, and added, "As soon as I can find him!"

"Relax; you're the only Elrond fangirl in this general vicinity..." Aldawen said soothingly.

"Oh, ok," Pineapple said, calming down. "I still wanna find Elrond." She brightened suddenly. "Do YOU know where Elrond is?"

Sake and Aldawen glanced at each other. "Um... No, we don't," Sake said finally, carefully controlling herself. Anyway, it wasn't really a lie. They knew what had happened to Elrond, but they didn't know where he was at this moment in time.

"Darn," murmured Pineapple, her chin resting on her knees. "How could he just leave me like that? Without telling me?"

Sake was finding it very hard to control her temper. She knew that it wasn't exactly Pineapple's fault that Elrond was the Elf who stole her heart, but she couldn't help but feel the growing annoyance that she had towards anything that had to do with the Elf Lord welling up inside her.

Her savior came as a blessing in disguise. Seamoose appeared, hands in pockets, whistling off-key. He broke off sharply upon seeing Sake, and backed up a few steps, ready to bolt.

"Hey Seamoose!" Aldawen called cheerfully. Seamoose glanced at Sake and then gave Aldawen a quick, furtive little wave.

Pineapple looked at the fanboy. "Have YOU seen Elrond anywhere?" she asked.

"Oh yeah, I just passed him heading towards the wine cellars," replied Seamoose instantly. Pineapple squealed shrilly and sped off down the hall.

"She's going in the wrong direction," Aldawen pointed out after a moment. Sake shrugged.

"Well, it got rid of her, didn't it?" she said. Suddenly she looked at Seamoose with narrowed eyes. "You didn't REALLY see him, did you? Because if you did..."

"No! Honest! I made it all up!" Seamoose cried, looking ready to run again. "She looked like she needed getting rid of! Honest!" Sake grinned suddenly, and Seamoose squeaked in terror.

"You're smarter than you look!" Sake said. "Thanks! By the way, while you're here: I apologize for wanting to kill you. Forgive me?" She held out her hand. Seamoose, who looked as though he had been preparing to faint, paused as the full weight of Sake's words sunk in.

"You mean..." he said, taking her hand and shaking it, "you... aren't going to try to kill me anymore?"

"Oh, I didn't say that!" Sake said cheerfully. "I was only apologizing for this last time!" She and Aldawen laughed at the look on Seamoose's face. They each took him by an arm, and the three walked off down the hall.

In a dark corner of the alcove they had just been occupying, and sleek black rat with a tiny sword around his waist sat, thinking over what he had just heard. Then he quickly turned, and vanished into a hole in the wall.


	5. In which Elrond falls in with vermin

A/N Um... hi. I know I haven't updated in a... well, a very long time. I'm very very sorry. Please forgive me. I would LIKE to say that it's Sprite's fault that this chapter is out later than it would have been, since she took about two weeks to beta it, but I won't. Don't want to upset the beta, you see. :P 

On the plus side for all you Gentle Readers, Sprite has told me that if I don't get the sixth chapter to her by the end of February, then she is not responsible for her actions. So you can probably expect the next chapter sometime early March, if not sooner. (Let us hope it is the latter!)

Aaand... I know this chapter isn't quite as long as some of the others. So sue me. Actually, don't. I'm broke.

* * *

**Chapter Five: In which Elrond becomes king of an unlikely kingdom  
**

* * *

Elrond could not believe his luck. He was finally free!

Considering the various situations he had been forced to endure for the past couple of days, this was an exciting turn of events, and Elrond was certainly going to make the most of it! His first action as King of the Rats would be to drill holes in all the bottles of alcohol in Figwit's cabinet so that he could drink out of them. Then he'd take a bath and maybe have some cheese to go along with the wine. Ah, life was good.

Now, The Reader may be wondering: Wait, did I miss something? How did Elrond get to be King of the Rats? Well, Gentle Reader, let us rewind a bit.

_Then a speck of dust landed on Lord Elrond's nose. He sneezed._

_The six rats immediately turned and looked straight at him._

_'Oh shit,' was the thought that passed through Elrond's brain._

_Shit happens, as the proverb says; but that was not, in fact, what happened to Elrond. (As much as we'd like it to.) You see, when the members of BEER who had snuck into the Liquor Cabinet recognized Elrond as the wise Lord of Rivendell (albeit, several feet shorter) they instantly knew that their quest was over. They had found a suitable king!_

_Thus decided, the rats set about releasing Elrond from his cardboard-and-plastic prison. This was easily done and did not take long since, as members of BEER, these particular rats had their teeth routinely sharpened for Maximum Fighting Power. Of course, these were rats trained in claw-to-claw combat. Our (not so) heighty Lord Elrond was glad to have all his limbs still attached by the time they got him out!_

_Once freed, Elrond wondered vaguely how he would communicate with these rodents to find out what they meant to do with him. He needn't have worried. Apparently one of the things that rats had devolved with their complex civilization was a spoken language that closely resembled Elvish, made up by a series of squeaks. If he listened closely and attentively, Elrond found that he could understand most of what was being said to him._

_"Hail, mighty and gracious lord!" cried the leading rat, bowing low. Elrond blinked. That was not exactly what he had expected..._

_"Um," he said. "Hi."_

_"My lord!" the rat went on, "You have been imprisoned by enemies of the throne! Now that we have freed you, will you come with us and rule our kingdom?" The other rats nodded eagerly. Elrond scratched his head._

_"Uh, sure," he said. "Whatever." BEER rejoiced._

_And so it was that Elrond found himself borne upon the back of the largest rat to the center city for the rats of Imladris: The rodent city of Rodentell.  
_

* * *

Aldawen sat happily at her funky wireless laptop, typing away. She was gazing rapturously at pictures of one of the hottest men alive, and his name was-

Before The Author could finish typing her sentence, Sake came sauntering in and plopped down on the couch beside Aldawen. Aldawen quickly closed the window she had been looking at and turned off the computer screen.

"What were you looking at?" Sake asked, naturally curious.

"Nothing," replied Aldawen quickly, as we all knew she would. Sake smirked.

"Never mind, I don't want to see the pictures of you and Legolas from last night anyways," she said.

"WHAT??" cried Aldawen, sitting up and wondering at the same time what Sake was talking about and how she, Aldawen, could have missed it.

"Just joshin' ya!" Sake giggled. Aldawen scowled and settled back down on the couch.

"First Seamoose, now me!" she muttered. "Why ME??"

"Because Seamoose is gone." Sake said casually, in the voice one would use when filing one's nails. (Which, in fact, Sake was doing at that precise moment in time.)

"Gone?" Aldawen said blankly. "How? What do you mean?"

"Apparently I reached my ultimate goal and managed to give him a nervous breakdown. He's now recovering at a mountain resort in Sweden surrounded by beautiful blonde Swedish masseuses."

Aldawen nodded slowly. "Poor little man," she said thoughtfully. "It's a good finale for him though."

"Of course it was," Sake said briskly. She paused and added slyly, "So what WERE you looking at when I came in?"

"I told you, NOTHING!" Aldawen snapped.

"If it's nothing, then it's ok for me to see!" replied Sake, grinning broadly and reaching for the laptop. Aldawen slapped her hand away.

"Hands off my laptop!" she said. "I don't touch your stuff!"

"WhatEVER!" Sake said, crossing her arms and legs at the same time. The door opened, and the blonde hunk that is Legolas came in.

"There you are." He said, eyeing Sake warily. "I was wondering where you ran off to after Seamoose was carted off by the friendly men in white coats."

Sake looked sheepish. "I um..." she began. "I... wanted to... Yeah. Um. I um." Legolas rolled his eyes.

"You know that Figwit is going to be furious, don't you?" he told her. "He has few enough fans as it is, without you sending them to mental hospitals."

Sake muttered something and Legolas chose not to ask her what it was. He had a feeling he didn't want to know. Legolas turned his attention to Aldawen, who had turned her attention back to her laptop.

"Whatcha got there, Aldawen?" Legolas asked, leaning over and trying to see what was on the screen. As she had for Sake, Aldawen closed the window before Legolas could see what it held.

"Nothing," she said. "Absolutely nothing. So utterly nothing that it's not even worth your while knowing how nothing it is."

"Ah, then it's something," Legolas replied.

* * *

"What do you think?" Sprite asked, turning around slowly so Figwit could see her outfit. "Arwen said that the blue helps to bring out my eyes," she informed him, fluttering her eyelashes.

Figwit smiled broadly at the elven robes that Sprite was wearing. "It looks great on you," he said, nodding. "I like it."

She did indeed like the dress. There was a soft white under-gown with red trim, and a dark blue overcoat with swirling, silvery patterns on the wide sleeves.

"So when will you ever have an occasion to wear that?" Figwit asked, motioning for Sprite to come sit down next to him. She did so, carefully arranging the robes so that they didn't wrinkle. Then she looked back at Figwit, her eyes twinkling.

"Why do you ask? You wear robes like this every day!" she retorted, fondly adding, "My little priss."

Figwit raised an eyebrow. "I'm going to pretend that was a compliment," he said wryly. Sprite giggled and threw a pillow at him.

"Anyway," she said, quickly getting up to dodge the pillow coming in return, "What do you say to celebrating my new gown by cracking open a bottle of fine Elvish Wine?"

"Since when do new clothes merit alcohol?" Figwit teased, but he nodded his consent. Sprite walked over to the liquor cabinet and opened the bottom compartment.

"I know there's a bottle of the stuff in here somewhere," she said, her voice slightly muffled. "I saw it just the other day." There was a pause. "Hey... what's this?"

Figwit came over to the cabinet and peered over Sprite's shoulder. "Ah, would you look at that?" he said ruefully, sticking his finger through a hole in the back of the cabinet. Unbeknownst to either of them, his finger barely missed the rat that had been assigned to keep watch. "Mice, I'll bet you anything. They're always showing up where they're not wanted." He sat back on his heels and glared at the hole, as if daring it to get any bigger.

"Should we patch it up?" asked Sprite doubtfully.

"Nah," Figwit replied, grinning suddenly. "Only if they start stealing the booze. Or if they get into the room. Whichever comes first."

Sprite smiled, suddenly noticing the particular bottle of wine she had been looking for. She took it out of the cabinet and poured two glasses.

Figwit closed the cabinet door and got up to join Sprite for a glass of wine. Conveniently, neither of them noticed the remains of the colourful, cardboard-and-plastic actions figure box lying in the back corner of the cabinet. They would have been quite surprised if they had.


	6. In which Sprite is pursued

A/N So I got this out before the end of February. Go me! Maybe that means I'll get Chapter 7 out by the end of February. Ha. Funny joke. Actually, who knows? Look how soon I got this chapter out! 

I'm very proud of all you clever readers who have detected a plot. I believe it thickens in this chapter.

Oh yeah, Bilge belongs to Aldawen. He sits on her computer desk and squeaks when you squeeze him. I had to let him make a cameo.

* * *

**Chapter Six: In which we discover that there is nothing more dangerous than an angry fangirl.**

* * *

Elladan and Elrohir had been practical jokers and mischief-makers ever since they had been small children. When one is of that particular nature, one naturally has to develop both very good survival skills, and an acute sense of stealth. Being Elves, this wasn't too difficult for them.

And so it was that the two brothers, having had several millennia of practice, crept down the hallway towards Figwit's room. They were hoping against hope that the room would be unoccupied. If it wasn't, they'd have to think up some half-hearted excuse as to why they were creeping down the hallway towards Figwit's room, and the Twins weren't feeling all that creative at the moment.

The Twins did, in fact, have a good reason for all this sneaking around. They were both loath to leave Elrond in one hiding place for more than a few days for fear that someone would find him. And that would be just horrible, wouldn't it? Elrond had been in Figwit's room for several days now, and the Twin's wanted to move him. Glorfindel had agreed to keep the Elf Lord for the time being, and had promised not to tell any of his friends who were always stopping by.

Elladan knocked tentatively on Figwit's door, though from past experiences he knew this wasn't a very good way to tell if the room was occupied. There was no answer, and he poked his head through the door. The room was empty. Beckoning to Elrohir, Elladan led the way into the room.

"Ok, let's be quick," Elrohir pleaded. "We don't know where Figwit and Sprite have gone off to, and either of them might come back at any minute."

"Righty-o, then," Elladan said, nodding. "Where'd we hide Dad, again?"

Elrohir sighed. "Liquor cabinet. Moria Black Ale. Ring a bell?" He tapped the side of his brother's head and sighed exaggeratedly.

"Of course!" Elladan sniffed. "I was just seeing if YOU remembered." Elrohir rolled his eyes.

"Just get the darn box and let's skedaddle," he said.

Elladan squatted in front of the liquor cabinet and opened the door. He reached into the back corner, behind the bottle of Moria Black Ale, where he and Elrohir had last left their father. He stretched out his hand, and touched... A scrap of plastic, a chewed-up bit of cardboard. Bits and pieces, but nothing more. Elladan withdrew his hand from the recesses of the cabinet, his fist closed around the pieces of the box.

"Um... Elrohir?" He called to the younger twin, who was keeping watch. "You may wanna come look at this..."

Elrohir came over and stared for a long moment at the scraps that once were the box that held their father. Then he voiced the terrible, horrifying thought that was wrecking havoc in both their minds: "What in Eru's name are we going to tell Arwen?"

Elladan groaned. "I don't even want to think about it right now!" he said. "She's angry enough at it is without Dad getting eaten by mice! She'll think it's all our fault!"

"Well, technically it is," Elrohir pointed out. "And anyway, I don't think mice ate him. There's no blood."

Elladan had not yet completely closed the door of the liquor cabinet. Just inside the door, a rat of BEER crouched in the shadows. His little eyes narrowed as he listened to the Twins talking about mice. To think that the work of BEER could be mistaken for that of those wimpy little rodents! This particular rat, a young warrior named Bilge, was glad of his fine heritage. He was possibly a son of the late King Ratticus! (Of course, this was debatable, as his mother had never been entirely sure who Bilge's father really was.)

With a squeak of indignation, Bilge turned his tail and scurried away. He'd heard enough.

Meanwhile, the Twins were trying to figure out what to do. "Well, this mission has been brought to a screeching halt," Elrohir said, staring at the scraps in his brother's hand.

"We need to get out of here," Elladan said distractedly, looking around. "Come on, let's go find Glorfindel."

"And he'll know what to do?" Elrohir asked doubtfully.

"I doubt it," Elladan replied. "But it's better than telling Arwen!" Elrohir agreed whole-heartedly.

* * *

At that moment, Figwit and Sprite were hanging out with Legolas, Sake, and Aldawen in Legolas' rooms. They were having a grand old time, but Sprite couldn't help but notice that Aldawen seemed strangely silent, and looked nervous. Sake, Legolas, and Figwit seemed to be making plans to go out into the yard and do some sparring. Sprite wondered vaguely how she could get out of it and corner Aldawen to see what was wrong.

Aldawen, it seemed, had the same idea. "No thanks, I don't really feel like it," she said, when Legolas invited her to join them.

"Sprite?" asked Figwit. "You coming?"

"I'm a little tired," Sprite lied. "I'll meet you back in your rooms later." Figwit nodded, and left with Legolas and Sake.

Aldawen looked at Sprite and said, "Sprite, can I talk to you about something?"

At the exact same moment, Sprite said, "Ok, Aldawen, what's the matter?"

There was a moment's silence as both young women looked at each other grinning. Then Aldawen's grin faded.

"Well... I was wondering if I could talk to you about something..." she said awkwardly. "It's a sort of divulging-my-deepest-darkest-secrets sort of thing, and I don't really want to talk to Sake about it and I definitely can't tell Legolas."

"Ok," Sprite said, intrigued but also a little worried. "What's up?"

"Um..." Aldawen ran her fingers through her hair distractedly. She got up, muttering under her breath, and to Sprite's surprise took out her laptop.

"Aldawen...?" Sprite asked. Aldawen typed for a moment, and then beckoned Sprite to come over to where she was. Sprite got up from her seat and went over to the younger girl.

Aldawen pointed to the screen, making sure Sprite noticed one specific folder among all the rest. Aldawen then clicked on the folder. Once it was open, Sprite saw what it contained-- It was full of pictures of Captain Jack Sparrow!

Aldawen stared at the screen in despair. "Is it possible to love two men at once?" she asked plaintively.

Sprite's reaction was far from what Aldawen had anticipated, and she didn't like it very much. Sprite threw back her head and laughed out loud, brimming with mirth.

"Sprite!" Aldawen said, clearly annoyed. "I'm divulging my deepest darkest secrets and you find it FUNNY?"

"I'm sorry," said Sprite, wiping her eyes. "If I was expecting anything, it certainly wasn't that."

"What WERE you expecting?" Aldawen asked crossly. However, she didn't really want an answer, and she continued on before Sprite could give her one. "I just don't know what to do! I adore Legolas as much as I adore Jack, but I don't know how long I can keep this up! I don't want to hurt Legolas, but Jack seems so appealing since I can't have him."

"Then do what I did." Sprite said, serious once more.

Aldawen blinked. "O-k," she said. "I never thought you could ever get yourself into a situation like this, but what DID you do?"

Sprite pulled her knees up to her chest and wrapped her arms around her legs. Her eyes took on a distant look as she gazed at Aldawen's screen for a second, then she looked up. "Tell Legolas your problem, have a good laugh over it, and then forget about it because you know it'll never be," she said.

Aldawen thought about this. "Do I have to forget about it?" she asked. "Cause my Little Pirate Man is kinda sorta a little bit REALLY FRICKIN' HOTT!!"

"Nah, you don't have to forget about him," Sprite said. "It's good to have your fantasies as well as a reality." She sighed almost wistfully and stared into space.

"If you don't mind my asking," Aldawen said tentatively, "who was it you liked and told Figwit about?"

A grin suddenly appeared on Sprite's face, and Aldawen was at once not all sure she wanted to know the answer to her question. Still smirking, Sprite looked Aldawen directly in the eye and said, "Legolas."

* * *

Elladan and Elrohir hurried down the hallway, glad to have escaped Figwit's room without being found. They fled down a flight of stairs and stopped in front of a door, out of breath.

It was Elrohir who knocked this time, and he called, "Glor? You there?"

The door was almost instantly opened by the Twins' beloved friend and mentor, the great Elf lord Glorfindel. "Hey guys!" he said, grinning. "I was wondering when you'd get here." He paused, looked around, and then leaned closer to the Twins, whispering, "You got him? I have just to place to-" He stopped when he saw the look of panic on the two identical faces in front of him.

"Ok," Glorfindel said, folding his arms in front of his chest. "What went wrong this time?"

"This," said Elladan, holding out the debris of the deceased action figure box.. Glorfindel surveyed it silently for a moment.

"You two are in sooooo much trouble," he said finally, glaring at them.

At that moment, they all heard the sound of pounding feet. It was accompanied by a furious snarling roar; like that of an enraged wild beast. It grew louder, and seemed to be coming in their direction.

With visions of balrogs dancing in his head, Glorfindel frowned and disappeared into his room. He returned a moment later holding a very large, very sharp-looking sword. Still the howling grew louder, and over the sound of pounding feet grew nearer. They could barely hear a human voice, loudly cursing in an unfamiliar language, and the distinctive clash of an elven sword.

Glorfindel tightened the grip on his sword, and the Twins casually stepped behind him. And lo, the source of the noise came barrelling around a corner.

The three Elves watched, bemused, as Sprite was chased down the corridor by a very obviously furious Aldawen. Every once and a while, generally when Aldawen was getting a bit too close for her comfort, Sprite would turn to face her and the swords the fangirls were carrying clashed together. It was during one such occasion, when their swords were locked that Sprite screamed, "I TOLD YOU! IT WAS A WHILE AGO! I DON'T HAVE A CRUSH ON HIM ANYMORE!"

Aldawen snarled, at an equally loud volume, "YOU SHALL NOT COVET MY LUST-OBJECT, FOUL TEMPTRESS!"

With a growl and a flash of silver, Sprite pushed Aldawen back a pace; the smaller, battered blade Aldawen carried separated from the one of elvish make in Sprite's hand. Sprite took off once more, heading for another part of Rivendell.

Glorfindel slowly lowered his sword and looked at the Twins with his eyebrows raised. "And it looks like we're not the only ones with problems!" he said.


	7. In which we find rude awakenings

A/N I am very, very sorry for the lateness of this chapter. I hope I have made up for it by the fact that it's much longer than some of the other chapters. 

Let's see... Aldawen owns Bilge; looks like he's making more than a cameo appearance. I own Leroy, who is making his first appearance in this fic. Hopefully Caligula will be soon to follow. Brownie points to anyone who knows what musical the fangirls' song is parodied from! (Forgive me that I cannot remember who wrote the original musical. hangs head in shame) Sprite, Aldawen, and Sake own themselves, Tolkien and/or New Line own everything else.

* * *

**Chapter 7: In which we find rude awakenings and an old friend  
**

* * *

Figwit had been unable to sleep for several nights. He kept being awakened by strange noises; scratchings and squeaks from the other side of the room. He strongly suspected rodents. He could not, however, figure out why the rodents were choosing now to invade his room. They had always left him well enough alone in the past. But for a few nights now, Figwit could have sworn that he heard music and voices coming from the liquor cabinet, and was sure that he saw flickering lights through the cracks of the doors. Sprite, of course, seriously doubted this and attributed it to an overactive imagination caused by lack of sleep.

However, it was impossible to insist that Figwit's visions were nothing more than a hallucination when one night both Figwit and Sprite were awakened by a very loud crash. The Author will lightly and tactfully skip over the exact sleeping arrangements in Figwit's room, and will only say that both Figwit and Sprite awoke at the same time and leapt out of bed. (Whether there were two beds or one is unknown at the time of publication.)

"Whawas 'AT?" asked Sprite, in the barely coherent tone of voice of someone who has just been jerked awake when they were in the middle of a very nice dream.

"I have my suspicions," Figwit replied curtly. He had been kept awake all night by something that sounded suspiciously like a rodent drinking song and he himself was beginning to believe Sprite's theory about sleep-deprivation. This new disturbance, however, completely turned the tables.

"It sounded like it came from the liquor cabinet," Sprite said, more coherently this time. Figwit nodded.

"I'll, um... I'll just check it, then, shall I?" He said uncertainly. "Nothing to be afraid of. Just a silly old liquor cabinet."

"Don't encourage it." Sprite warned.

Figwit knelt cautiously in front of the cabinet and slowly reached for the door handle. He had almost grasped the handle when he hesitated, wondering if he really wanted to find out what fiendish souls haunted his liquor cabinet. But he quickly shook that thought away. It was just a liquor cabinet, after all. He quickly turned the handle, and the door of the cabinet swung open. Figwit and Sprite were given a very nasty surprise.

Sprite stifled a scream. The lower shelf of the cabinet was soaked with a dripping red liquid that looked like blood, and sharp, cracked bones protruded from the crimson puddles.

On closer inspection, the scene was much less gruesome. It did not, however, make Figwit any happier.

"The little buggers knocked over my only bottle of cranberry wine!" he raged. "I was saving that thing! It's my favourite." The bright red wine was beginning to spill over onto the floor. The cabinet was filled with broken glass. Sprite suddenly found it very difficult to keep a straight face.

Figwit sat back on his heels and glared at the mess, and then at Sprite, when she was unable to hold back her giggles. "What's so funny?" he demanded. "That's good alcohol you see seeping through the floorboards!"

Sprite did her best to control her laughter, and patted Figwit fondly on his head. "I'm sorry, Figwit," she said gently. "You amuse me..." Her voice trailed off.

"Oh yes," Figwit muttered. "Amusing!" He sighed. "Well, I suppose we're going to have to clean this up."

Sprite looked dubiously at the jagged shards of glass. "I suppose suggesting we leave it is out of the question?" she asked doubtfully. Figwit didn't even bother to answer.

* * *

Elrond lay back on the squirrel-fur cushions. He had been pleasantly surprised, upon arrival to the city of Rodentell, to find a thriving metropolis, with a government, economy, and social structure. Sure, it was overrun with rats and mice, but that was really the point, wasn't it?

Elrond relaxed on the couch, and briefly wondered if he could get couches made out of squirrel skins for Rivendell once he was restored to his normal height. Then he remembered the brilliant thought he'd had just the day before of remaining this shrunken height forever, and ruling the rats. He was certainly much more appreciated in Rodentell than he was in Rivendell. But it was tiring having to brush gigantic rat hairs off his robes every day...

Elrond waved his hand and a mouse scurried forward bearing a plate of cheese. Elrond took a piece and bit in. Mmm, camembert... He could get used to this, he really could; being waited on hand and foot was such a luxury. Tomorrow after the coronation his position of power would be sealed and if he wanted to, he could even launch a full attack on the denizens of Rivendell. Granted, the Elves would probably soon grow tired of being poked in the ankle with miniature swords and pull a Pied Piper, but it would be fun to give it a try.

The coronation tomorrow would be a great ceremony, the likes of which had not been seen since... Well, since the late King Ratticus had been crowned. And considering a rat's life-span, that wasn't a very long time, but Lord Elrond liked to think that his coronation would be one-of-a-kind.

At the thought of King Ratticus, Elrond frowned. Even after death, Ratticus was causing trouble. Several gallant young rats, annoyed that the throne should be claimed by a humanoid, had come forward claiming to be sons and heirs of the late King. A few had already come to blows, and Elrond had spent an afternoon assuring the distraught mothers that their sons would be given proper funerals.

The thing was that all these young rats probably had some sort of legitimate claim. Ratticus was said to have been quite a ladies man, and he could have any number of bastard offspring running around. Elrond would have to do something about them; he couldn't let them get in the way of his kinghood.

Elrond was jerked out of his thoughts by the sound of someone saying his name. "Yes, what is it?" he snapped at the butler who stood before him.

"A scout from BEER is here to see you, my liege," the rat said. Elrond waved his hand.

"Send him in," he said airily. The rat bowed, and then turned his tail and sauntered out of the room. A moment later a young rat came in, looking nervous. Elrond had seen him before. Bile, his name was, or maybe Bilge? Yes, that was it, Bilge. Bilge bowed and then looked up at Elrond.

"What is there to report, young ma- Er, rat?" Elrond asked.

"There is unrest among the Elves, my lord," Bilge said. Elrond felt a twinge of annoyance at the title, but of course, he wouldn't be king until tomorrow, so he let it slide. For now.

"Yes?" he said, noticing that the young rat had stopped talking. "Go on."

"BEER has been at work, but the Elves are attributing the damage to mice." Bilge said, encouraged. Elronds eyes narrowed and he activated The Eyebrows(tm).

"Damage?" he asked, his voice dangerous. "What damage?"

Bilge quailed. "The damage to the prison we found you in," he squeaked. "The two Elves who look alike found the shreds of the box, and they spoke of mice. I heard them with my own ears!"

The smile that appeared on Elrond's face was possibly even more frightening than the glare that it replaced. "So," he said quietly, "My darling sons must suspect something, at least. Keep an eye on them, soldier. Report directly to me if they display any more suspicious behaviour." Bilge nodded. "Anything else to report?" Elrond asked.

"One more thing, my lord," Bilge replied. "A bottle of wine was knocked over last night in your former prison, and the dark-haired Elf was annoyed. He may take measures; it might be a good idea to send scouts to find a new headquarters for BEER, if the need arises."

Elrond frowned slightly. Though he was annoyed that the young rat was being so presumptuous as to advise him of his duties, Elrond knew that his suggestion did have merit.

"Very well," he said, nodding curtly. "You may go now." Bilge bowed and turned to leave, and Elrond had a sudden thought. He called after the young rat, "Soldier!" Bilge stopped and turned back to Elrond.

"Yes, my lord?"

"Who was your father?"

Bilge hesitated, though he knew that could be dangerous. He knew how Elrond felt about the heirs of Ratticus.

Finally, and hoping that Elrond had not noticed his hesitation, he said, "I do not know, my lord." Elrond nodded, and Bilge left.

* * *

Figwit and Sprite walked down a hallway somewhere in Rivendell the morning after their little night time surprise. Figwit wanted to talk to Legolas and find out if he'd also had any trouble with rodents lately. Sprite had agreed to go along, but as they neared Legolas's rooms, she began to get more and more jumpy.

"I wish you an Aldawen would make amends," Figwit said finally. Sprite mumbled something incoherent. "At least tell her that Legolas knows you used to have a crush on him so that she doesn't think she's going around 'defending his honour' by not speaking to you," he pleaded.

"Oh, believe me, the moment Legolas got wind of our little incident he told Aldawen the whole story!" Sprite said. "Aldawen's just being stupid, that's all." Figwit decided to leave it at that.

As they drew closer to Legolas's room, a horrible sound reached their ears. "Is that what I think it is?" Figwit asked, an expression of mingled terror, disgust, and loathing etched across his face. Sprite nodded, a similar expression on her face.

"I think it is," she said. "I can't imagine why, though. I thought Elrond told them all to bugger off."

As they rounded a corner and came within view of Legolas's rooms, they found that their speculations had been correct. Surrounding the closed door were about two dozen fangirls, wearing shirts emblazoned with such slogans as "Leggy rox my sox," "I 3 the Prince of Mirkwood," and "Mrs. Greenleaf." Some of the girls milled around, a few occasionally trying the door handle. (It was locked.) About ten of them had joined together, and were singing in rather bad harmony:

_"We love you Leggy, oh yes we do.  
We love you Leggy, and we'll be true!  
When you're not near us,  
We feel blue.  
Oh Leggy, we love you!!!1"_

Sprite, being a former fangirl herself, had the decency to look ashamed.

They managed to elbow their way through the crowd. Figwit knocked carefully on the door and called, "Legolas? You in there? Can we come in?"

Legolas's voice was heard through the door, causing the fangirls to quiet instantly and listen with rapt attention. "Are they still out there?"

"Um..." said Figwit. "Yes."

"I'm not opening the door if they're still out there!"

Figwit sighed. "How am I supposed to get twenty-four hormonal Legolas fangirls to get away from your door?" he asked. The reply was in Elvish and Figwit was, for once, glad that Sprite did not speak quenya. From the look on her face, Sprite did not share this particular view.

Figwit turned away from the door and looked helplessly at Sprite. "I have an idea," she whispered to him. "Follow my lead." Figwit nodded.

"Gee, Figwit," Sprite said loudly, making sure all the fangirls heard her. "This looks pretty hopeless! Let's just go back to our rooms for now."

"Sprite!" Figwit hissed. "I want to talk to Legolas!"

"Just play along!" Sprite whispered. "I told you that I have an idea." She raised her voice to its previous volume. "I know! Let's go for a walk outside!" She grabbed Figwit's arm and pulled him down the hallway. "It sure is a lovely day!"

"Oh.. Oh, yeah. It is. Lovely day for a walk!" said Figwit, stumbling after her. "Sprite, what the Void do you think you are doing?"

Sprite hadn't answered him by the time they got outside. Figwit started to say something, but Sprite held up her hand to silence him. She put her fingers to her lips and whistled shrilly. A moment later they heard a swooshing sound above them, and a brightly-coloured oriental carpet with fancy gold tassels on the corners glided in front of them, hovering a few feet off the ground.

"Leroy!" Figwit said. The tassels waggled.

"How're you doing, buddy?" Sprite asked the carpet. "Long time no see!" Leroy the magic carpet brushed against Sprite's knees with affection. "I have a favour to ask," Sprite continued. "Do you think you can bring us up to Legolas's window? His door is... inaccessible at the moment."

"Sprite..." breathed Figwit. "That is bloody BRILLIANT!" Sprite grinned. Leroy made it clear that he was glad to comply, and Sprite and Figwit climbed carefully onto the centre of the carpet. And then they were off!

In no time at all, Figwit and Sprite found themselves hovering outside Legolas's window. Sprite leaned over and tapped on the glass, and a moment later grinned at Sake's surprised face. Sake opened the window. "What are you doing here?" she asked.

"We want to ask Legolas something," Figwit told her. "May we come in?"

"There is a door, you know," Sake said, stepping aside as Figwit and Sprite clambered through the window.

"Yes, and it's currently locked and under heavy guard," Sprite shot back. Sake grinned as strains of "We Love You, Leggy" could be heard through the door.

Figwit looked around, trying to locate "Leggy." He soon espied the blond Elven princeling crouched in front of the door, peering through the keyhole. Figwit came up behind him and tapped him on the shoulder. Legolas yelped, and leapt back.

"Figwit!" he said, standing up and clutching his chest. "You know I get jumpy when the fangirls are around; don't scare me like that!" He paused. "How did you get in here?"

Sake muttered something that sounded suspiciously like, "Elvish senses my arse." She flopped down onto the futon couch and began twiddling her thumbs.

Figwit pointed wordlessly out the window, where Leroy still hovered happily, exuding the aura of a very happy dog. If Leroy had a mouth, he would be grinning ear-to-ear, and if he possessed a tail, it would be wagging furiously.

"Ah," said Legolas.

"I came to see if you were having any problem with vermin lately," Figwit said.

"Of course I am!" Legolas cried, gesturing towards the door. "You saw them first hand! I think we're beginning to see the side effects of getting rid of Elrond. He used to be able to keep those things away, but now they're everywhere!"

"I didn't mean fangirls," Figwit said, rolling his eyes when Legolas flinched at the word. "I was talking about rodents. I think they've been getting into my liquor cabinet."

Legolas giggled. "Sounds like the mice of Rivendell have discovered Happy Hour..."

While the two Elves talked, Sprite deposited herself next to Sake on the couch. "So..." she said after a moment. "Where's Aldawen?"

Sake jerked her thumb over to another closed door. "In her room with her laptop," she said, resuming her thumb-twiddling. "Moment she heard you'd come to call she holed herself up in there. Honestly, I've never seen her act this stubborn!"

"Did she tell you what it's all about?" Sprite asked warily. Sake laughed.

"Yes! I think it's hysterically funny, actually." Sake lowered her voice. "She even told me about Jack Sparrow, because she thinks that Legolas already knows about it. But don't say anything to him about it, because I don't think he does."

"Ok," Sprite said. A thought struck her. "Wait... You don't have a problem with the fact that I used to like Legolas?"

"No!" Sake said. "Like you tried to tell Aldawen, you're completely over it, and besides, it'd be rather hypocritical of me to be angry. Frankly, I'm impressed the two of you have been able to stick to just a couple lust objects for so long. You can't imagine all the guys I still lust over." Sake glanced at Legolas, and then back at Sprite. "But... Don't tell the Elf!"

Sprite grinned. "Not a word," she said.


	8. In which Elrond has a cunning plan

A/N Right. This chapter would have been out much, much sooner, had my dear beta Sprite not taken almost a month in getting it back to me. I am deeply sorry for the now commonplace delay.  
  
Okay. Now for some bad news and not-so-bad news. My mom wants to limit my online time once school starts, so updates will probably be even more erratic then they've been, which is certainly saying something. The not-so-bad news is that together, Sprite and I have basically figured out what's going to happen in the story from here on, and we know how it will end, so once I start writing a chapter, it will probably come quite easily.  
  
Hope you enjoy this one!

* * *

**Chapter Eight: In which Elrond has a cunning plan  
**  
Elrond had a cunning plan. A very cunning plan.  
  
(Yes, Gentle Readers, the looks of terror on your faces are completely justified.)  
  
He surveyed the young rat in front of him. Bilge shifted nervously beneath his sovereign's steely gaze. Could it be that the miniature Elf Lord had found out who Bilge's father was and wished him dead? At length, Elrond spoke.  
  
"I have a mission for you, soldier."  
  
"A mission?" Bilge asked. Yup. The secret was out.  
  
"A very important mission," continued Elrond lazily, letting the suspense build. "For which you are to depart immediately.  
  
Bilge's head jerked up. "But, my lord!" he said. "I am to be the standard bearer for your coronation ceremony tomorrow!"  
  
"I am well aware of that," Elrond snapped, "but this mission is far more important for the future of this kingdom than a standard bearer. Sergeant Pepper Spray has already selected another soldier to take your place."  
  
"Yes, my lord," Bilge muttered.  
  
"Now, about this mission," said Elrond. "I have received word from my spies that one of the humans dwelling in Rivendell is having some doubt as to the fidelity of one of her peers, and is questioning where her own loyalties lie. I believe this could be turned to our advantage. I want you to find this girl and turn her to our side."  
  
"My lord?" asked Bilge, surprised. "Why?"  
  
"She can be used as a spy," Elrond told him, as though it were the most obvious thing in the world. "The spies of BEER are all well and good, but I need someone who can go right into the middle of enemy territory without being detected, and give detailed reports on everything that the enemy is up to."  
  
"BEER can do all that, my lord," muttered Bilge sullenly.  
  
"I am well aware of BEER's remarkable abilities," Elrond snapped back, "but I need someone who is not immediately dismissed as vermin! The Elf Prince Legolas holds this girl in high esteem, and would never suspect anything of her."  
  
"Yes, my lord," Bilge said, feeling rather resentful. "How am I to find this girl?"  
  
"It should be easy," said Elrond dismissively. "Her name is Aldawen."

* * *

Aldawen sat on her bed, glaring at the door. SHE was still out there, talking to Sake and possibly making evil plans to seduce Legolas. Legolas had told Aldawen that he was aware of Sprite's former infatuation with him and had assured her that he'd never felt anything for Sprite, but Aldawen knew that he only said this because Sprite had brainwashed him.  
  
Aldawen could hear Legolas talking to Figwit, though she couldn't make out the words. She wondered if Figwit knew of Sprite's treachery. If he was still ignorant, he'd have to be informed soon. They simply could not allow a two-faced, lust object-stealing fangirl like Sprite stay in Rivendell. If only Elrond were still around, he could make Sprite leave. Aldawen knew that Elrond would see reason, and understand that it was in everyone's best interests for the fangirl to be thrown out.  
  
Trying to block out the sounds of two conversations and fangirl singing, Aldawen turned back to her laptop. She gazed dejectedly at two of the folders on the desktop. One was labeled "Leggy Pics" and the second bore the name "Jack Pics." It should not be too difficult to deduce what each of the folders held.  
  
'I never should have shown those pictures to Sprite,' thought Aldawen. 'This never would have happened if I hadn't.' The only real good Aldawen could see that had come out of all this was that she was now aware of Sprite's treachery.  
  
For a moment she entertained the notion of just deleting the whole folder of pictures of Jack Sparrow, destroying the evidence and thus casting no doubt onto her own fidelity. But the instant the thought came to mind she banished it with a frustrated shake of the head. Jack was too delicious to delete.  
  
With a sigh, Aldawen reached over to pick up her crocheting. Lately, she was passing her time making hats. It was something to concentrate on, and helped to keep her mind away from the depressing matters at hand. But as she reached over to pick up the basket in which her yarn and needles were held, she stifled a small scream. A large black rat was sitting next to the basket, cool as you please, a sword around his waist and both glittering, black eyes fixed on her own. Aldawen glared at the rat.  
  
"Shoo!" she hissed, waving her hands in what was (had she been aware) a very comical fashion. "Go on, get out of here!" The rat continued to stare at her.  
  
"No," it said. Now it was Aldawen's turn to stare.  
  
"What?" she asked dumbly.  
  
"No," the rat repeated. "As in, no, I will not go away."  
  
A part of Aldawen's brain decided to shut down and ignore that fact that the creature she was conversing with happened to be a rat. "Why not?" she asked.  
  
"Because I've been sent to find you and I'll be damned if I'm going to go back to Him saying that I've failed my mission."  
  
"Him?" asked Aldawen, puzzled. "Him who? And what sort of mission?"  
  
"Lord Elrond is being crowned king of Rodentell tomorrow," said the rat dryly, "and he wants more spies. He thinks you'll make a good spy. So he made me give up my place as standard bearer in the coronation so that I could come make you join our side and be a spy for us."  
  
Aldawen had failed to hear anything the rat said after the word "tomorrow." "Wait..." she said. "Elrond's being crowned... King? Of WHERE?"  
  
The rat sighed. "I guess I'd better explain the whole thing," he told her wearily. Aldawen nodded fervently, and the rat scrambled up onto her bed and settled himself on one of her pillows. Aldawen recoiled slightly, but was otherwise unperturbed.  
  
"My name is Bilge," the rat said. "I live in the city of Rodentell, located inside the walls of Rivendell, and I belong to the Brotherhood of Extremely Elite Rats."  
  
Aldawen though about this. "BEER?" she said after a moment, amused. Bilge made an impatient noise.  
  
"I am aware of the unfortunate acronym, and I assure you that we are currently petitioning to our superiors for a change," he said irritably. "However-"  
  
Something in Aldawen's brain seemed to turn on again. "Wait... How can you talk?" she asked suspiciously. "You're a rat!"  
  
"We're very SMART rats," Bilge snapped, sounding really impatient now. "Anyway, BEER is kind of a secret police. We do a lot of spy work. On one of our missions, we found the mighty Lord Elrond wrongly imprisoned. We freed him and brought him back to Rodentell, where it was decided that he should be crowned king to replace our late king Ratticus, who left behind no acknowledged heir. Lord Elrond has been sending out spies to observe yourself and your friends. We have relayed back to him the growing animosity between yourself and the aforementioned friends, and he thinks that you would be a very useful spy for BEER and the rat population in general. He therefore extends the hand of friendship and awaits your reply."  
  
Aldawen stared at Bilge. After a moment, she collected her jaw off the floor and gave a low whistle. "Thank you, Mr. Exposition..." she said in a low, rather awed voice. "So there's this whole city inhabited by rats inside Rivendell's walls?" she asked, eyeing the walls of her room. Bilge nodded. "Wow..." Aldawen breathed. She stared at her ceiling for a moment, apparently thinking. Suddenly she snapped her head back down to look at Bilge. "Why should I spy for Elrond?" she said sharply, frowning.  
  
Bilge sighed. He had been expecting this. "If you and your comrades had not shrunken Elrond, he would never have found his way to us to become our king," he said solemnly. "He wishes to reward you for this deed by helping you get your revenge on the traitor Sprite, so long as you will work for him and feed him inside information on the activities of the residents of Rivendell."  
  
"Why does he want inside information?" Aldawen asked, genuinely curious.  
  
"That is classified information which I am not at liberty to disclose," Bilge replied loftily. Aldawen took this as a fancy way of saying that he had no bloody clue. She nodded.  
  
"Okay," she said, shrugging.  
  
"Excellent!" cried Bilge, leaping from his seat. "So you will be a spy for my lord?" Aldawen opened her mouth to answer, but Bilge cut her off. "You WILL? Splendid! I shall tell my lord of your answer straight away!" He leapt off the bed, scampered across the floor, and with a swish of his tail, disappeared through a previously unnoticed hole in the wall.  
  
"No, wait!" cried Aldawen. "I didn't mean... That's not what I... You don't under... Oh, bloody hell." She flopped onto her back on the bed and sighed, once again staring at the ceiling. This was turning out to be a very strange day.

* * *

Elrond was napping. He was awakened by his butler telling him that a spy from BEER was here to see him. Crossly, Elrond told the butler to show the spy in. He blinked when Bilge entered the room.  
  
"Back already?" he asked.  
  
"Yes, my lord," replied Bilge.  
  
"Was the mission successful?"  
  
"Yes, my lord. The girl was very eager for the task; she agreed almost immediately," Bilge told him.  
  
"Excellent," said Elrond happily. "Very well, soldier. You may go." Bilge did not move, but stared at Elrond expectantly. "What-?" asked Elrond, and then he remembered. "Oh yes, I suppose you want you position as standard bearer back. Very well. I shall alert Sergeant Pepper Spray immediately that we shall be using you after all. Now, GO!"  
  
Grinning happily, Bilge bowed and left the room.

* * *

Figwit and Sprite were walking back to Figwit's rooms, discussing their visit with Legolas. It hadn't been very a very productive meeting, and they had learned nothing to their advantage. It had been made worse, in fact, when they had forgotten about the fangirls in the hall outside, and despite Leroy's frantic attempts to grab their attention, opened the door. Sprite had almost been trampled by the stampeding fangirls before Figwit pulled her to safety, and it had taken Legolas, Sake, Sprite, and Figwit to close the door again.  
  
After they had kicked all the fangirls who'd gotten in out of the window, Leroy had dropped Sprite and Figwit off in a courtyard, and they headed back to Figwit's rooms.  
  
"First rats, now fangirls," Figwit muttered. "I'm beginning to think that getting Elrond out of the picture may not have been such a good idea after all."  
  
Sprite nodded glumly, afraid that the mob of Legolas fangirls could only be followed by an equally hormonal crowd of Figwit fangirls. These fears were forgotten, suddenly, when a cold wave of unidentified terror swept through her mind. She shuddered.  
  
"Sprite?" asked Figwit anxiously, seeing her white face. "Are you alright?"  
  
"I... Yes, I think," Sprite replied shakily. "I just had this feeling... like something horrible was happening... and I don't know what." Figwit patted her shoulder sympathetically.  
  
Deep within the city of Rodentell, Elrond was laughing. 


	9. In which all is revealed

**A/N** Yay! Updatedness! This is the second to last chapter, or third last if you count the epilogue. Enjoy! 

**Disclaimer:** Don't own it. And yes, I stole the description of Glorfindel from "The Fellowship of the Ring."

* * *

**Chapter Nine: In which all is revealed**

When Sprite and Figwit arrived back at their room, they found Elladan, Elrohir, and Glorfindel waiting for them. The Twins looked rather sheepish, and Glorfindel appeared to be in a rather sour mood.

"There you are," Glorfindel said, his tone indicating that he'd been waiting for quite some time. "Come, we're going to Legolas's room."

"Why?" Figwit asked.

"We were just there!" Sprite added. "The door is blocked by a mob of fangirls."

There was a pause. "Oh?" Said Glorfindel quietly. "We'll see about that." He took each of the Twins by a shoulder and propelled them down the hallway. The Twins, curiously, remained silent.

Figwit glanced at Sprite and raised an eyebrow. She shrugged, and the two followed Glorfindel and the Twins back the way they'd come.

There seemed to be a rather tense silence surrounding the three Elves in front of them, and Sprite had to wonder what was going on. She had a rather uneasy feeling that it had something to do with everything that had been happening lately, but she sincerely hoped that it didn't.

After a few uneventful moments, they arrived once again outside Legolas's door, and lo, the fangirls were still there. Several of them seemed momentarily distracted by the arrival of three more  
devastatingly handsome Elves, but they quickly turned their attention back to what really mattered to them, namely the closed door. They were clustered tightly around it, offering no way through for the Elves and Sprite.

Glorfindel surveyed the crowd for a moment. Then- "You will let us pass," he said, his voice low and firm.

Only the girls closest to him seemed to hear him, and they glared at him angrily. Their unrest spread through the crowd, and soon all the girls were paying Glorfindel at least partial attention.

"You will let us pass," he repeated.

"And if we do not?" A voice cried out defiantly.

"Then you will taste my blade." Glorfindel warned in the same quiet voice. Sprite found his countenance terrifying; she wondered why it did not affect the other girls. Then again, they were Mary-Sues. Probably they were too stupid to see danger in front of their perfect noses.

Many of the fangirls' hands immediately flew to their own swords, which appeared at their sides even if they had worn no swords a moment before. Sprite rolled her eyes. Typical Sue trick.  
Glorfindel drew his blade and held it above his head, his eyes blazing. He spoke again, his voice loud this time, commanding and terrifying.

"Any of you here," he cried, "who would be foolish enough to hinder my mission, shall find yourself answering to Mandos!" He seemed to glow with power. Sprite saw him then for a moment as he is upon the other side: one of the mighty First-Born, an Elf-lord of a House of Princes. It was a sight she never forgot.

It was clear that the fangirls would never forget it, either, though for them it would be the stuff of nightmares. They took one look at the raw fury in Glorfindel's eyes and bolted, leaving the way to Legolas's door clear.

Glorfindel lowered his sword and turned to his companions, all of whom were staring at him with wide eyes. "Well!" he said cheerfully. "That's got rid of them! Shall we?" He gestured towards the door. The Twins, Figwit, and Sprite nodded mutely.

Glorfindel swaggered up Legolas's door and tried the handle. It was locked, of course. He rapped sharply against the door with his knuckles. "Legolas, open up!" he called. "It's Glorfindel!"

The door opened a crack and Legolas peered out. "They're gone?" he whispered, hardly daring to believe his eyes. He flung the door open wider. "They're gone!" he cried, and did a little jig.

"Yes, they are," Glorfindel said. "Now get back inside before they come back." He pushed Legolas back into his room, and beckoned Figwit, the Twins, and Sprite to follow.

Once they were all in and the door was safely shut, Glorfindel turned to Legolas, Figwit and Sprite.  
"Now," he said, with forced cheerfulness. "I believe the Twins have something to say to you all." Sake, who'd been on the couch, sidled up to Legolas, and Aldawen even poked her head out of her bedroom door.

The Twins looked at the floor and shuffled their feet. "Um..." said Elladan.

"Well, you see..." said Elrohir.

"The thing is.." said Elladan.

"This may come as a bit of a shock..." said Elrohir.

"I think you ought to know..." said Elladan.

"You may want to sit down..." said Elrohir.

"Kindly get on with it," said Glorfindel icily.

"Ummmmm..." the Twins said. "WelostElrondsorryitwon'thappenagain."

"You WHAT?" Legolas shouted. Aldawen quietly stepped out of her room and closed the door behind her. Sprite noticed her, and wondered why she looked almost guilty.

"How did you lose Elrond?" Figwit asked furiously.

"Tell them, boys," Glorfindel said, smiling.

"Uh..." Elladan began, and looked wildly at his twin for help.

Elrohir took a deep breath, his face full of the steely resolve of a warrior facing certain death. "Well... We hid him in the back of your liquor cabinet, Figwit, and we were only going to keep him there a few days before we found a better hiding place so we just hid him there, you see, and when we went back to find him, he, um, he wasn't there." He looked askance at Figwit. "You didn't drink him, did you?" Figwit glared at him. There was a moment of very tense silence.

"Um... We're sorry?" Elladan offered.

"Sorry is not going to cut it this time," Glorfindel said. "We have a major problem on our hands. If Arwen gets wind of it, we're all _dead_."

"I hear Mandos Halls is really great this time of year..." said Elrohir weakly.

"Been there, done that, got sent back because I threw too many wild parties," Glorfindel said briskly. "What I think we need to do is find Elrond and bring him back, full size and everything." Figwit nodded.

"What?" exclaimed Sake. "Why?"

"So many things have gone wrong since we shrunk him," Figwit told her. "He used to be able to control the rats, and keep the fangirls out of Rivendell. With him gone, Imladris is overrun. We need him to maintain order!"

"A healthy level of chaos never hurt anyone," Sake muttered sulkily.

"Except this is exceeding healthy," Glorfindel said.

"The problem," Sprite said slowly, "is that we have no idea where Elrond could be. He could be anywhere! He's so small, it'd be easy for him to hide."

"Yep, that's the problem," Legolas said.

"Oh, gee, darn," Sake said sarcastically. A brief silence fell as they all thought about what could be done.

"I know where Elrond is," came a quite voice from the corner of the room. They all looked over and saw Aldawen standing there.

"Aldawen?" asked Legolas. "What did you say?"

"I said I know where Elrond is!" she repeated, louder, staring back at them all defiantly, as if daring anyone to contradict her.

"Sure, yeah," Sake retorted. "You haven't left your room all day. Who told you, a little mouse?"

"For you information, he was a rat," Aldawen snapped.

Sake opened her mouth to fire back a scathing reply, but Glorfindel silenced her with a look. He approached Aldawen and smiled at her. "Come, Aldawen, tell us," he said gently. "How do you know where Elrond is?"

Aldawen had a feeling that they were just humouring her, that they didn't really believe her, and it annoyed her greatly. "I'm telling the truth!" she said angrily. "I don't know how it happened, or why, but this rat with a sword came into my room a little while ago and said that he was from some sort of secret police of rats and they found Elrond and brought him to their city and he's going to be crowned king of the rats tomorrow."

"Well, if that isn't the biggest load of-" Sake began, but Elrohir interrupted her.

"I've heard tell," he mused, nodding, "that a city of rats live between the walls and below the floors of Imladris. Rats who have lived so long among they Elves that they have developed an intelligent society of their own..."

"If Ada becomes their king, we're screwed," Elladan said flatly.

"Aldawen," said Sprite, "why did this rat come to you? Did he say?"

Aldawen blushed crimson. "Apparently Elrond wants me to be a spy," she mumbled, though still audibly.

"You didn't accept, did you?" Figiwit asked sharply.

"No!" cried Aldawen. "I mean, I don't know... He twisted my words..." She looked as though she were about to cry. Legolas went over to her and put his arm around her shoulder.

"What we need to do," Glorfindel said, "is to find out where the coronation is happening tomorrow, and intercept it."

"I have an idea," Elladan said. "Coronations are always accompanied by big feasts, right?"

Comprehension dawned on Elrohir's face. "The kitchens!" he cried.


	10. In which our tale ends

**A/N** Alright, let's finish this thing! This is technically the last chapter, but I'm writing an epilogue to wrap everything up for the characters. It will be forthcoming.

* * *

**Chapter 10: In which our tale ends**

The five Elves and three mortal girls spent most of that afternoon scouring the kitchens of Imladris. They made a few weak excuses to get the kitchen staff to leave them alone, which they were all too happy to do. Their eagerness to leave the kitchen had nothing to do with the homicidal looks Glorfindel gave them when they seemed reluctant, nothing at all. Honest.

They boarded up everything from the most obvious mouse hole to the tiniest crack in the wall, taking every measure to ensure that no rodents could get into the kitchen. They even checked for loose floorboards and flagstones, and fixed any that were coming apart.

"How are we going to intercept the coronation if there's no way to get in OR out?" Aldawen asked Glorfindel, who was standing surveying the others at work.

"You will see," he said, smiling. "You will see.

* * *

Bilge hurried along the passages of Ratturd Palace to Elrond's audience chamber.

"My lord!" he cried, bursting into the room, all out of breath. "Such news! The Elves are boarding up the floors and walls above the coronation chamber! There's no way into the kitchens!"

Elrond's eyes narrowed and he got that dangerous look in his eyes.

"It appears," he said, "that we have been found out. Bilge?"

"Y..yes, my lord?" the young rat asked, terrified.

"When you approached young Aldawen earlier today. What, exactly, did you say to her, and what was her reply?"

Bilge tried to remember. In all honesty, he had been so terrified at the time that most of it was a blur. Gods, humans made him uncomfortable. "Well, my lord," he began, and gulped. "I told her of Rodentell, and how you would be our king, and that it is you wish that she become a spy for us." He paused to wipe the terrified sweat from his forehead, and ploughed on. "She asked why you would want inside information, and when I told her that I... did not know, she replied, 'Okay.' Forgive me, my lord; I took this as an indication that she accepted your offer. I may have been mistaken."

"Yes, I think you were," Elrond said. Bilge quailed.

* * *

"Glorfindel!" Elladan called. He was checking for cracks in the moulding by the floor. "Look at this!"

Glorfindel went over to look, and so did everyone else. They were curious to see what Elladan had found.

"Look, this whole board comes right off," he said, pulling it away from the wall. Glorfindel peered in, expecting to see only dusty darkness, but instead he saw something very different. It was a great hall, lit with many tiny candles. Rats scurried here and there, preparing for the event that would soon take place. They hung up banners and tapestries and garlands of flowers. They polished and dusted and scrubbed. And for some reason, they seemed not to notice the sudden invasion of their hidden home.

Glorfindel looked away, and turned back to his companions. "I think we've found what we're looking for!" he said.

* * *

The following day dawned bright and clear. Elrond rose from his next of pillows and cushions, and allowed the attendant rats to dress him in fine robes. Frankly, they were nothing compared to his clothes in Rivendell, but he accepted them with pride.

He ate little at breakfast, feeling nervous. He knew that his sons had most likely found out about Rodentell, and was worried that they'd try to do something to stop the coronation. But no matter. The Twins were rather stupid. There was nothing they could do that he couldn't thwart.

Elrond didn't count on Glorfindel.

A guard of soldiers from BEER escorted Elrond to the hall where his coronation would take place. It was a fine sight. Tapestries and statues depicting great events in rodent history lined the walls. Though he was of Elf-kind, Elrond felt proud to be a part of this great society. A BEER official bade Elrond wait in an antechamber while the crowd gathered. He could here the footsteps and squeaks and rustle of clothes as more and more rats came in to fill the hall.

Then the music began. Few people, mortal or Elf-kind, ever heard the music of rats. Elrond privately thought that this was a good thing, and decided to have it banned as soon as he was king. It was a rather ghastly sound.

The door to the antechamber swung open, and Elrond stepped out. He was surrounded again by a group of the highest BEER officials. And there, he saw, was Bilge, carrying the standard of Rodentell, now his standard. He walked among them, as they passed through the crowd of rats and led him up to a raised dais at the other end of the hall. They were almost there, and Elrond could see the elderly rat clothed in white standing next to the ornate box that held the crown of the rodent king.

At the dais, the BEER officials halted, and Elrond mounted the steps alone with only Bilge at his side. The old rat bent down to open the box.

And that is when everything went wrong.

Suddenly, with a burst of light, part of the ceiling was torn clean off. The crowd screamed, and Elrond looked up with horror to see the faces of his sons staring down at him.

"Hey, Ada!" called Elladan cheerfully.

"Blast!" cried Elrond. "BEER! Form your ranks! To me, to me!" Soldiers came rushing out of the crowd, surrounding their lord, pointing their tiny swords upwards. The screams of the rats grew louder as a great hand (attatched to an arm that belonged to Elrohir) reached down towards Elrond. Soldiers fired their tiny arrows and threw their spears and hacked at the hand with tiny swords, but Elrohir, fortunately, had had the foresight to wear thick leather gloves, and was impervious to the assault.

Elrond found himself grasped tightly in his son's hand, and was rising through the air, out of the hall.

"Our lord! They are stealing our lord!" the rats cried, sobbing, grief-stricken, for they knew that there was nothing they could do any longer. The board in the ceiling was replaced with a great, ominous boom. Lord Elrond was gone from Rodentell.

* * *

Elrohir held the tiny, struggling Elf-lord up in front of his face. "Yep, it's Ada alright!" he said cheerfully.

"You put me back there right this minute, young elf!" Elrond shouted, flailing his tiny fists.

"Sorry, no can do," Elladan apologized. "Sprite and Sake already glued the board in place. Can't take it off anymore!"

Elrond fumed. He was still hanging in mid-air, Elrohir holding the back of his robes. "Well then," Elrond said primly, folding him arms. "What are you going to do with me?"

"Nothing you won't object to," Elrohir assured him. With that, he dropped his father into his pocket, and stood up. "Shall we go?" he said to his brother and Sprite and Sake. The four of them were the only ones who were in the kitchen; everyone else was preparing for what came next.

"Sure!" said Sprite, scrambling to her feel. Sake followed with considerable more reluctance. She was still dubious about changing Elrond back to his normal size, but had gone along with it because she was outnumbered seven to one, anyways. She and Sprite followed the Twins out of the kitchens, and they made their way up to Elrond's study.

There they found the rest of the gang, Legolas, Aldawen, Figwit, and Glorfindel. The infamous copy of 'Learning Magic with Harry Potter' lay open on the table. "Did you get him?" asked Legolas as they entered the room.

"Sure did," Elrohir said, patting his pocket. Aldawen giggled.

"Let's see him," Glorfindel said, and Elrohir pulled the Elf-lord out of his pocket, and dangled him in the air for all to see. Elrond caught sight of Aldawen.

"Two-faced traitor!" he screamed at her. "How dare you betray me?"

"I never said I'd work for you!" spat Aldawen. "Get over yourself!"

"Are we ready?" asked Figwit.

"Yep," replied Glorfindel, rolling up his sleeves.

"Will you do the honours?" inquired Figwit.

"With pleasure," answered Glorfindel, smiling grimly. He nodded at Elrohir, who dropped Elrond on Elrond's favourite arm chair.

"What are you going to do to me?" cried the lord of Imladris.

Glorfindel pointed a finger at Elrond. "Elfius Restorus!" he cried, in a loud, commanding voice."

There was a flash of light-

and there was Elrond, full-sized, sitting in his armchair, looking bewildered.

He looked wildly at the faces surrounding him. Everything seemed so much smaller! Elrond then did the only thing that it seemed reasonable to do that that moment. He screamed.

"Ack, Ada, will you shut up?" shouted Elladan.

"What have you done to me?" shrieked Elrond. He leapt to his feet, and then fell over. He wasn't used to being this heavy.

"Rivendell can't function without you, my Lord," Glorfindel said. He walked over and held out a hand to Elrond. "We needed to bring you back."

Elrond stared at the hand as though he'd never seen anything quite like it. Slowly, he grasped it, and Glorfindel pulled him to his feet. "Welcome back, my lord," he said, smiling.

Elrond frowned. "I don't suppose you're going to apologize for what you did..." he mused.

"Nope, sorry," Elrohir said. "But you can thank us for un-shrinking you!" Elrond glared at him.

Suddenly the door burst open and Arwen ran in. "ADA!" she cried, and flung herself into his arms.

"What a welcome!" he said, smiling warmly at his youngest child. Then he looked back up at the others in the room. "But now I must deal with all of you!"

Sake gulped.

* * *

Sprite blinked back tears. Elrond was sending her home.

Not just her, but Sake and Aldawen as well. He had decided that they'd been in Middle-earth long enough, and it was time for them to return to their own world.

"Spend this night," he had told them, "with those you love. In the morning when you awake, you will no longer be in Rivendell."

Sprite curled up next to Figwit as they sat next to the fire in his room. "I don't want to leave you," she murmured into his shoulder.

"I know," he said softly, his voice heavy with sorrow. "I don't want you to, either. But it is Lord Elrond's decree." He sighed, and stroked her hair. "It is a just punishment."

Elrond had insisted that while what they had done to him was unpardonable, he was not going to punish them. Of course, right after that, he'd announced his decision to send the girls home, and they all knew the reason for it.

"I love Middle-earth," Sprite said. "I love Rivendell, I love you. Back home, I'll be on my own, and have to go university, and deal with a faulty laptop. Life here is so much simpler."

"All good things must pass," Figwit said, tears glittering in his eyes as well. "You are young, Sprite. You have your whole life ahead of you. Live it to the fullest."

"Alone!" Sprite said bitterly, and let the tears come. Figwit lifted her chin and kissed her.

"You need to sleep," he told her, wishing it were not so. Sprite snuggled up to Figwit, his arms around her, and slowly drifted off to sleep.

Hours passed.

The sun rose over Imladris. And with it came a new day.


	11. Epilogue

**A/N** Well, here it is. The last chapter of the Elfie-Boys trilogy. It is here our Fellowship ends. I will not say, do not weep, for not all tears are an evil. 

I have to say it has been so much fun writing these stories. I want to thank everyone who has read and reviewed them and helped them come alive. Special thanks go to Aldawen, Sake, Sprite, and Seamoose for letting me have my way with them, and EXTRA special thanks to Sprite for being my faithful beta ever since "The Elfie-Boys and Their BIG Egos." I love you ALL!

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

And thank the GODS, I can finally work on something else!

* * *

**Epilogue**

The city of Rodentell was in an uproar. Their coronation ceremony had been interrupted, and they were suddenly once more without a king. Chaos ensued, as rats ran here and there, and BEER tried to restore some order.

"We should rescue him!" a rat cried. "He is ours now!"

Another retorted, "Are you insane? The Elves would go Pied Piper on us!"

Bilge surveyed the scene with distress. His people were being driven mad! He still stood on the dais, still clung to the banner of the rodent kings. He bit his lower lip. He was in an ideal position to address them.

"Friends! Rats! Countrymice!" he shouted over the din. Enough rats heard him and chose to shut up that he soon had the attention of the entire crowd. He quailed. "Um... This anarchy will not do..." His voice wasn't as strong as it had been a moment ago. The eyes of all rat-kind were upon him. "We must find another king!" he declared. "To restore peace and order! Yeah!"

"But who?" a rat asked.

"Ratticus left many heirs," another offered.

"But how shall we find one?" a third asked.

Bilge breathed a sigh of relief. He had set them on the right track. They could sort it out from here. He turned to go; he needed some cheese badly. Suddenly he became aware that all eyes were upon him again, and Sergeant Pepper Spray had just addressed him.

"What?" he said.

"I said, who was your father, young rat?" the sergeant asked.

Bilge blinked, and his eyes narrowed suspiciously. "Why do you want to know?" he asked.

Sergeant Pepper Spray looked him directly in the eye. "Because this is the first time I've noticed that you, my lad, are the _spitting image_ of old King Ratticus."

"It's true!" cried a voice. Bilge saw his mother pushing through the crowd, and would have groaned, but he knew that it would look bad. The old lady rat tottered up to Sergeant Pepper Spray. "It's true!" she repeated. "His old father was King Ratticus!"

A gasp rippled through the crowd as all the rats stared at Bilge with wonder. Then- "All hail King Bilge!" cried Sergeant Pepper Spray.

"ALL HAIL KING BILGE!" cried the rats, and they all sank to their knees, bowing low.

Bilge stared at them all. _Well,_ he thought, _this is going to be interesting...  
_

* * *

Sprite lay in bed, staring at the ceiling. It had been three months since she had returned from Middle-earth. Sometimes she wondered if it had all been a dream, but she knew that such thoughts were cliché, and quickly put an end to them. In truth, the past three months seemed like more of a dream than her stay in Rivendell had been. She had a job, was going to school, had to take her laptop in to be fixed every couple of weeks or so. And there was such a hold in her heart.

She rolled over and buried her face in the pillow, squeezing her eyes tightly shut and biting her lip. Too many nights she had cried herself to sleep. She thought about him every waking hour, and dreamed about him at night. But he wasn't there, not really. He was gone, gone from her life forever, severed from her by barriers of both time and space.

Frodo was right. There really was no going back.

Sprite imagined living like this her whole life. The prospect caused her such pain, she felt she would burst. It was like losing a limb: The wound might heal, she might get a prosthetic and go on with life, but she would constantly bear with her the knowledge that she was not a complete human being. Something was missing. Someone would always be missing.

Suddenly, she sat straight up in bed. She heard a sound, and a shadow in the corner of her room was darker, as if someone was standing there.

'Shit,' thought Sprite. "Who's there?" she said sharply, sounding much braver than she felt. She didn't want to deal with something like this right now. "Who are you?" There was no answer.

Then the figure moved out of the shadows, and into a beam of moonlight. Sprite saw who it was, and gasped in shock.

"You didn't think I'd leave you alone forever?" Figwit asked.

* * *

Aldawen sat at her computer, surfing the internet. Such a wonderful pastime! Of course, she was supposed to be writing a research paper for school right now, but such trivialities could wait. She was doing more important things.

Life since returning from Rivendell had quickly gone back to normal. School proceeded as always, boring and pointless. She longed to get away from it all, and travel the world in a great big ship...

There was a knock on the door. Incorrectly assuming she knew who it was, Aldawen said, "Come in!" She heard the door open and shut behind her, and a very familiar voice say, "Hi! Where should I put my bag?"

Aldawen whirled around in her swivel chair. "Legolas?" she cried, not daring to believe her eyes. "What are you doing here?"

The blond elf smiled the warm smile that made fangirls feel tingly and faint. "I've come to see you," he said. He looked around her room. "I see you already have a cot out and everything, cool!"

"Um, Legolas..." Aldawen said, "There's something you should know."

The door opened, and a pirate swaggered in. He was holding two cans of Dr. Pepper. "Here you go, Aldawen, me luv," he said, tossing her one can and opening the other for himself.

"I say, who exactly are _you_?" asked Legolas, bewildered.

"I'm Captain Jack Sparrow," the pirate said, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. "And this pointy-eared blond chappie must be Legolas." He leaned closer to Legolas, and the elf recoiled at the heavy smell of rum on his breath. "She's mine now, savvy?" Jack said.

"Aldawen...?" Legolas stared at her.

"I'm sorry, Legolas," Aldawen said, a look of pity in her eyes. "Jack's my current Lust Object. I'm sorry you had to find out like this!"

"I'm not!" Jack said, flopping down onto the camp cot at the foot of Aldawen's bed. "That was fun."

"Fine!" Legolas snapped. "I'll go to Sake's! I know where I'll be appreciated!" He whirled out of the room and slammed the door behind him.

"I'm sure Sake will be very happy!" Aldawen called after him.

"Pansy," muttered Jack, and sipped his Dr. Pepper. Aldawen giggled, and turned back to the computer.

* * *

Rivendell was quiet nowadays. Elrond had gone back to being the kind, benevolent ruler he was reputed to be. He kept his sons occupied by sending them out on scouting missions whenever possible. Everyone was content as life proceeded in the rhythm it had for a millenia.

Only one "person" was unhappy.

"I do say," said Caligula the camel from his stall in Rivendell's stables. "That Author person promised to bring me into this story somehow, and she never did!"

Sorry, Caligula.

_**FIN**_


End file.
